My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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