please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
