Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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