she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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