my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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