I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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