Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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