I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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