I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
