I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
