Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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