jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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