Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I want to fling myself into the sun
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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