She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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