Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
