Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
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Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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