Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
