1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
