and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The uberlube is also flammable
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
