I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
