my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
birth control should be required to get into college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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