i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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