you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
