I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
