I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
