My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
