why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
