I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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