i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
