I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
