Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
