don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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