I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
