Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
