Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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