thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
