she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
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He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You have to summon your inner elephant
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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