Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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