I'm going to jail i love you
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
