I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
