found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Actions speak louder than pants.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
