So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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