i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
