My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
