Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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