She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
