Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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