If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
