Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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