you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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