Will you blow on my dice?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The convent might be a nice break from real life
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
