I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
