i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All the doctor said was why
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
