There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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