If i come over, it means nothing
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
