Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
