just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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