I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
